Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
