I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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