don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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