these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
