Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
