I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
