that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
