I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
