Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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