Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Welp...herpes.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
