Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
