I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
