So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Slut skills are useful in every country.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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