Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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