what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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