you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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