You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
