During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
