Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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