I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
