he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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