I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
