we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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