wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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