Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
