Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It's never too late to be topless.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I think my moral compass just broke
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
