Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
