Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
