My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
