Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
