Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
