You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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