I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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