oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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