Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
