Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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