Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just gift wrapped bread.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
