Banned from zoo.
Again?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
