All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
