I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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