I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
