My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
