what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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