my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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