I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
