Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
