WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
