3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
