if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
