I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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