You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
