John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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