Do you still have your period?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
