I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
