Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
