He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
