I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You are the jesus of drinking
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
