How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
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Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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