The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
