I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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