tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
